So that’s what you call Music
One of my daughters lives by the expression, “No matter what life throws at you, get up, dress up and show up” So I’m showing up, as promised, to continue telling you my story, even though life has recently been throwing some serious lemons, with no tequila, my way!
If you haven’t read the introduction to my story please click HERE for part one.
They say, when you’re happy, you enjoy the music. But when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics. I had reached a place in my life where I no longer heard the music nor understood the lyrics!
This is the story of how in one day my whole life changed….
My finance, who is affectionately called my ‘partner in crime’ here, had just taken up a ‘couldn’t refuse’ offer to work permanently in the UAE. Emphasis on permanent, people! It wasn’t just a two year contract and he’d be back and we would hopefully be living an “easier” life here in South Africa. No, this was a, “Hey honey let’s get married and live separate lives in different countries”!
He quit his job of some 19 years and went off to work in a foreign country, not knowing anyone or what to expect, leaving me and our four daughters in South Africa to kind of figure things out as we went along.
He was flying back every two to three weeks as our youngest daughter was in her final year of High School. So he made sure to be home for all the milestone events.
The leaving was hard, I would finally adjust to sleeping alone, and then he was back, and just as suddenly, I was saying goodbye again. It was a roller-coaster of situations and emotions, and I wasn’t enjoying the ride! The tension of him coming and going, having to juggle our home by myself and basically being a single parent; was starting to take its toll on me and our girls, who were all trying so hard to assist me with whatever they could.
The mirror on the wall chose, the day in question, to finally fall off and breaks into a million little pieces!
This is how it happened:
We were attending a farewell school leaving lunch with our youngest daughter. It was an emotional day realizing that we had been walking this journey with her for five years and finally it was all drawing to a close. The partner and I had decided to stay on after the lunch and enjoy some sundowners under the beautiful old oak trees at the venue. The afternoon was filled with laughter and reminiscence about the last five years. The fun was flowing and so was the alcohol, and as was typical of me, my mood was getting darker; I would always pick some kind of fight with the finance, at these times. It took a nasty turn and ended with him putting me into an Uber and sending me home. He stayed behind and tried to enjoy what was left of the evening celebrations.
I arrived home seething!! Ran myself a deep bubble bath and cried my heart out, hating what my life had become and bemoaning my circumstance, finally giving in, quite happily, to a self-hating state of mind.
While lying down in the bath a familiar thought crossed my mind, this dark thought had visited me many, many times in previous years; suicide. As I lay there I started to put my head deeper and deeper into the water and the thought of death felt comforting; it would be OK to give in. Finally everything would stop, the voices, the shame, the feeling of worthlessness, the pain and humiliation would no longer engulf me every day. As quickly as that thought crossed my mind, another stronger one took over – the promise I had made to my children that I would never attempt to end my life again. I sat bolt upright; reality suddenly hitting me VERY hard. I got out, dressed and made a decision that I needed to seek help, I wanted help. I could no longer be this half a person anymore.
I took an Uber to the closest hospital, walked into the ER and thankfully a nurse, on taking one look at me, realized the reason I was there. While lying in that emergency room the voices were more vocal than ever, “Why are you here? You are beyond help; look at you taking up a bed where someone who really has an emergency should be”. Suddenly I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, maybe I was wasting everyone’s time and expertise. I wasn’t bleeding, or having a stroke, a heart attack, I hadn’t been hit by a car and needed emergency care.
No, none of the above was happening to me, but I was wounded, deeply wounded inside and I needed medical care urgently. The ER Doctor sedated me and I entered a dreamless sleep.
The next day saw me signing myself into a facility that offered the care I needed, saying goodbye to my children, and being pained by the confused and angry look in my finance’s eyes. But as I waved them goodbye I knew for sure that this time, I was going to finally get to a place of internal healing, for one reason and one reason only, I wanted it more than anything and I was prepared to fight the darkness for my life! I was exactly where the Universe intended me to be….
Follow me in Jo’burg Gypsy for the next episode.
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