As a young man, I was quite unaware that my origins were from the planet Mars, or so I was told by my older sister Andrea, who had three of us younger male siblings to contend with.
This information had burst forth from her mouth in an anguished moment of terror and humiliation early one winter’s morning.
Prior to this nasty event taking place, I had been all too frequently instructed that, when I popped into the lavatory, to point Percy at the porcelain, I was to lift the seat and standing close as possible, was to let Percy have his way. This action, I was informed, would obviate the necessity of Nanny having extra mop up work to do later.
It took a while, but eventually I was to get the procedure right according to my Andrea’s instructions.
Early one very cold winter’s morning, there came the most blood curdling shriek from the lavatory. It was Andrea, although the sounds coming from her mouth were more like that of a vampire. Without thinking I rushed in through the door. The sight that met my eyes, I shall never forget, as long as I live.
There was Andrea, drawers around her ankles, squatting at a very deep angle in the lavatory bowl. I rushed out calling to my Mother as I was running along, leaving my brothers gawking at the strange sight. ‘Get out you fools, you rotten Martians”; “Call Mummy”, she howled.
I did not wait to see my sister’s rescue; instead, as fast my little legs could carry me, I ran to the very bottom of our garden and there, proceeded to laugh like I had never laughed before, eventually falling to the ground as my legs could no longer hold me. I will be eternally grateful for two things that day; My Father was away on business and we had five acres of garden, where no one could hear my laughing, least of all Andrea, whom I dearly loved.
After the drama had died down and Andrea partially recovered, Nanny leaked the story.
Andrea, had sleepily walked into the lavatory (she is not noted for being a morning person) and without switching the light on (it was a dark winter’s morning) she proceeded to sit down on the lavatorium with the intention of pointing Alice at the chalice; very suddenly her slender body disappeared into the bowl, splashing Alice into the icy depths below! There she became firmly lodged, awaiting rescue.
Later analysis revealed that the seat had been dutifully raised, in accordance with regulations, but had not been put down again, by the previous offending Martian user.
Investigation revealed that as there were only two Venetians in the home – my Mother and Andrea; they didn’t fall under the ‘lifting lid’ regulation, the suspects, therefore, had to have been Martians.
The culprit was never apprehended, but it was at least narrowed down to three Martian suspects.
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